Confessions of a Would-Be Writer
I have a confession to make…
I haven’t touched my novel since December. Haven’t written a word, haven’t read it through in a (seemingly futile) attempt to get back into that mindset, haven’t even opened up the document.
But I think about it. Nearly every single day the characters are there, residing in the recesses of my mind.
I’ve stalled. Writer’s fatigue, writer’s block…Whatever you want to call it, I’m admittedly stuck.
I’d been working on this novel for a number of years, though I keep hitting roadblocks with it, unsure of how to navigate the prose. Sometimes I put it away for days, weeks, months. Last year, I barely touched it at all.
I constantly ask myself why continue with it if it seems like such a burden, if the writing just isn’t coming? And I hem and I haw and I consider nixing the whole thing and then continue to make excuses.
The truth is, I love it. There’s a story in me that wants to be told, rising from a part of me, part of my imagination, that I can’t explain, yet it’s yearning to be put into words. That’s why I love it, that’s why I write it.
Only, I haven’t been writing it.
Although I tried time and again, I just couldn’t seem to find the story anymore.
And that was exactly the problem: I had the characters, I had the setting, but I didn’t know where the story was going in terms of plot. Instead of trusting my intuition, instead of letting my characters lead me, I began to panic. And in that panic, I began to plan.
I have another confession to make…
I am not a planner.
At least, not when it comes to writing. Part of the joy in writing, for me, is the discovery, the anticipation of where the characters will lead you and what you will find.
So when I panicked and started to outline, I knew that I was in trouble. A thousand and one possibilities flew through my mind, pieces of scenes being written that didn’t seem to have a context. I crossed out and deleted scenarios, copied and pasted bits of dialogue, wrote character profiles and drew timelines. None of it felt right, and in that process, I became overwhelmed.
So I stalled. Then I stopped completely.
And I stuck all of those materials in a folder on the desktop and didn’t open it again for months.
It has been my inspiration and my Achilles’ heel. I love it and I dread it all in the same breath; I’m excited and I’m scared.
Of what, exactly, I keep trying to ask myself. Of a few words down on paper? A few characters typed on the screen?
Of not having a direction. Of having my characters suspended, indefinitely, in a time and a place with nothing to move them forward. I’m afraid of not knowing where it’s going to go next.
But that’s part of the excitement, I’ve realized, and why I’ve suddenly become inspired to open up that document folder and rediscover that small town on the harbor, the rambunctious and curious little girl for whom I have such affection, and the story that surrounds both.
Sound advice says to just keep writing, to put the words to paper without worrying about the finished product. The idea is to start somewhere and keep writing. There’s a magic in words, in writing, in the story. If you keep writing, keep going, you’ll always end up somewhere.
So that’s exactly what I’m doing…Simply writing — without an outline, without preconceived ideas, without interruption. The magic is in the making, in the telling, in the trusting.
I’ve begun to have faith in the story within me again, and I have hope that we’ll both end up somewhere.
What problems have you encountered as a writer? Do you have any similar experiences? How do you combat these concerns?
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I haven’t even tried to do any creative writing for many, many years and then it was poetry. Only thing I can offer to you is to let go. Stop thinking, stop planning, stop analyzing. Just write. Look at it later for editing but for now just write and let the keyboard take you wherever it wants to go.
Keep the faith girl. You’ve got the talent to do it.
A novel is indeed a difficult creature to tame. Short stories, vignettes, a series…these can all be written without a backbone outline. But a novel can take on a life of its own (not in the good way) without an outline. Best case scenario is that it ends up needing some serious trimming. Worst case scenario is that it just ends up spinning out of control.
It reminds me of one of the many creative writing books I have sitting on my shelf: “Steering the Craft” (by Ursula Le Guin). The cover art was a sailboat. Think about what would happen if you tried sailing without exerting any control over your vessel. You’ll either end up somewhere beautiful, ala “The Blue Lagoon”, or you’ll be in serious trouble.
Susan,
I feel for you! Plot is difficult to hammer out, and it sounds like you are overwhelmed by giving birth to a whole book at once.
You say you are not a planner, but that is exactly what I suggest you do. I am struggling with the same issues as you are (except I haven’t touched my novel since December…of ‘07! Don’t let that happen!) and I have come to the conclusion that plotting the novel is necessary.
Instead of seeing it as a story spoiler, I am choosing to see the plotting process as the exciting part. I’m finding out what happens just as organically, but I’m using a bigger brush, so to speak. Then after I lay out the plot, guess what? I get to go back and rediscover all the exciting details! (Actually, I’m getting more excited about plotting as I write this. It’s time to go crank plot!)
Definitely – just keep writing. I find that if I’m not in the mood to write, reading some older stuff of mine that I particularly like or am proud of can inspire me to do so. It just reminds me that I can create memorable things, especially when I’m feeling down and uninspired.
Good luck, fellow writer.
greymous: I think that you’re exactly right — I do tend to get stuck when I over-analyze and think too much. Creative writing, for me, comes from passion, but too often I stand in my own way and over-think. Interestingly, it’s not just with writing that this happens — a good life lesson as well. I wonder if I fear that planning would lead to the suppression of that passion? I have a general direction, perhaps it is time for me to just let go and just write. You’ve provided excellent ideas to consider. Thanks for sharing and thanks for the comment!
Anna: I think I’ve become so used to writing short stories and vignettes that even the idea of tackling the novel again seems a daunting undertaking. I’m at a crossroads as to where I stand with planning vs. just writing. On the one hand, I can see the benefits of planning — the story needs to have a direction. On the other, I fear that I wouldn’t be able to reach that balance and that I would over-analyze, perhaps plan too much. Perhaps I need to take that advice (and invest in that book!) and learn how to lead the story in the right direction, perhaps take it from there. Thanks for your insights, as always. You’ve provided something even more for me to think about as well.
Guy: Thanks for your comment! Overwhelmed might be the understatement there
As I was saying in the comments above, I can see the benefits to planning and the benefits to letting go and writing (particularly for a first draft). Planning can get you pointed in a direction, but I believe I’m at the point where I’m not quite sure what direction I want to go…So I wonder if I just start writing again, if I’ll uncover the plot, which would then make it easier to outline and plan?
I would be interested to know how you started your novel and any additional advice or insights you might have. It sounds like you’re on an exciting adventure with your book and I wish you the very best (and lots of inspiration!) with it!
Amy: I agree…Reading back over your work can get you back into that mindset that might be crucial to get where you want to go in your writing. It serves as a great reminder for what what you’re capable of and, as you say, kind of inspires you to keep going. Hope you’re inspired to keep going as well! Thanks for your thoughts, and wishing you the best!
Susan: I successfully completed NaNoWriMo that year, using an idea that had been bugging me for some time. The actual 50,000 words are mostly junk, but I consider them part of the 1,000,000 words I have to write before I’m any good!
My goal is to get the real story out of my head so I can move on to the other books waiting in queue. That’s why I started my blog at http://crankingplot.wordpress.com, to put more system into my writing, or at least more focus.
Have fun writing!
Guy: What an incredible feat! I always wanted to try NaNoWriMo because it would really force you to write and just get those words out there. That’s a huge accomplishment, congratulations!
And I checked out your website — nicely done! A great way to hold yourself accountable. Thanks for all of the insight and sharing your story; looking forward to hearing more from you
As much as you either can’t or don’t see it, there’s beauty in your writing, and you’ve got a very distinct way of not only engaging your reader(s) in your story, but of making them care for your characters as well. I’ve thought a lot about this, and I had a thought — try to sketch out some of the main scenes that run through your mind. Don’t worry about artistic ability (my sketches revolve around stick figures and not-so-straight lines!), but sometimes seeing something from a different perspective or through a different medium will help you get a feeling for how things ought to go.
More than that, though, you need to stop being so overly critical of yourself. Don’t even think about criticizing the way you write until you’re in the editing phase; otherwise, you’ll just wind up shooting yourself in the foot, second guessing everything you write, and destroying any momentum you had going for you. I should know. I’ve had to bandage up my own feet WAY too many times. I walk with a limp now, though I pretend it’s swagger.
To paraphrase Red-Green, keep that pen on the pad! We’re all pulling for you!
notrudolph: Clever name, wonder where it came from?
I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your words and our talk — it was helpful to air out all of my insecurities with writing, and as much faith as I have in it, as much as it is a passion, I think insecurities there might always be. Writing can be very lonely and very personal and I don’t think those two things combined make it any easier — for any writer. And it’s astonishing to see just how much others struggle with this as well.
Luckily, we have people like you and this community to help combat that. Your idea to “don’t even thin about criticizing the way you write until you’re in the editing phase” is a great one that I hope I can remember because you’re absolutely right — second-guessing can be the greatest downfall. It’s easier said than done when you know you need to trust yourself, trust your ability, and trust your passion, especially when a writer is their own worst enemy.
Thanks for the wise advice (and, always, the support and friendship!) — it’s something every writer can take to heart.
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